As I learn more and more, I start to ask... more and more.
Reading a few posts got me to thinking, and I want to know. My apologies ahead of time for the length, I just like to have background included in questions... It helps me think it through as I read the answers, like connecting the dots. I often see that which I've overlooked once before! Anyways... you can answer one, part of one... or if you're a go-getter, ALL of these! I'll be sure to write these in a journal to think over once more later on. Also, thanks in advance to those who answer! You're so very patient and smart, I envy you. 1) Working with other Wiccans/Pagans.
(This needs a bit of explaining, hold on tight!)
There's a few others at my school that I can feel the different 'texture' of their auras. I knew something was a bit different about them before I found out they were all pagan or Wiccan. One is a previous Catholic, but if I ask her something about something I read or looked up, she won't give me a definite answer. ("What do you usually do for Beltane?" *crickets...*)
The other is a hereditary Witch, but she's even more discreet about her practice, and I'm fine with it. The third is another one, who is just about as experienced as I am... He claims to my friend who plans to join us (another question coming up!) to become Wiccan that he cleansed, consecrated, and charged her bracelet, yet when I picked it up it made my hand get really uncomfortably hot. (I couldn't interpret any aura, or 'charge' coming off, which is a knack I have for objects that I've found - I can 'read' them like energy records.)
My problem is this - The last two are very negative people... I just don't see how they could come up with any other energies. I'd love to have someone show me a few things they know, but not if it's going to taint my own pond with negative influences. How do you guys get around these sorts of people? Especially if they're friends?2) Working with other, less experienced students who don't want to do much more than try and form a cult of Oogy-Boogy witches who have no idea what they could be doing, much less why they're doing it.
Something gets under my skin about a friend who doesn't take Witchcraft seriously, that it IS a religion and NOT a clique type thing. Is this normal? Is it bad? She wants to study with me, but I don't want to be held back by someone who isn't as dedicated to study and practice as myself.3) Being 'numb' to certain energies the first few tries you try to find them.
Except for my energy record reading, I can't tell what an item's been charged with. (Although if it's potent, boy can I feel it!) I think this is a problem with myself, that I don't 'believe' I should or can feel these energies. I tried to have a chat with a friend's cherry tree and I could feel a paper-thin barrier of negative thoughts on my part that was between us. Is it normal to be a bit over-reserved or self-protective? Is it my imagination?4) Guilt for not having the right environment or circumstances to actively practice, or being too constantly overworked/tired/emotionally sick to do a ritual.
As you guys might know by now, I live in a very strict house. I can barely get candles and incense for decor, nevermind trying to do a ritual or meditation in privacy. I would love to, absolutely LOVE to be able to practice without hiding, without fear of being found out, and without fear of being reprimanded for something I want to believe. I constantly have a barrier of fear now that if I start acting differently or believing differently, mom or dad will notice and the war will begin, or that I must always watch over my shoulder for people who might rat me out. I'm not completely free to believe in that which I want to... and it's tearing my mind to pieces. I feel immense guilt at not being able to practice, even if the God and Goddess understand that right now just isn't the greatest time. I think this carries over as a form of asking the higher powers for forgiveness even though it's not needed. I still can't shake the feeling though. is this normal? Is it just me? Are there ways to get around it?
Part of the problem is that I live in a house that has soaked up 20 years of negativity. I'm away from home, I feel better than anything. (Clogged chakras?) My emotions are so muddy and sometimes just a complete mess, which makes finding any time to do rituals, very hard. When I last did a ritual, I faced an energy blowout... Something short circuited and I was left exhausted and confused for two weeks. (Needless to say, I learned not to attempt magick when my body and emotions are unstable!) Meditation will remedy this, but as soon as I get back home, whabam! It's back.5) Fearing for my safety or feeling stupid when I recite prayers or perform rituals.
I do pray, at least once a morning, silently. The minute I start saying the short prayer I wrote to the Goddess, I feel fearful, apprehensive, and stupid for feeling that way. As mentioned above, I'm scared to say any
possibly Wiccan text aloud, should someone in the house hear me and start the war. Is this good, or bad, or am I just imagining it? 6) Feeling unworthy to call myself by the title of Wiccan, fear of inexperience or a need of attention showing through, and feeling unworthy to practice in general because of habits, or other's opinions.
Sometimes I feel like just giving up, but I've come too far to quit now. (I thank the invisible motivator for poking me in my bum to finish what I start for that.) I feel like I have no right to change religions, and bother numerous others for help, like a five year old. I really hate it when I sound stupid trying to ask someone something when I can't even come up with the proper names and vocabulary. I always feel it's going to be like Sunday school again, where they're going to pound into my head that I'm inferior because I don't know this or that yet. On occasion, I feel that I'm only doing this for attention, even though that temptation has long worn off. I ask a LOT of questions, but mainly because I need a LOT of answers. (How does it work? Why? What if... And then? Why doesn't it work? Can you do that to other things? What does it do to other things? Why? - That's how it usually goes.) I've started taking it even more seriously because I do want to change and I don't want to repeat what has already happened, I.E. my parents and myself.
As an LDS believer, I was taught I could do whatever, whenever, to a certain degree, and all I had to do was repent. But now, if I do it, I don't have to repent, but I do have to face the fact that the Goddess and God may not be so happy with their willing student being a very bad example of Wiccans and the over-stressed fear that any higher power will cold-shoulder me whan they end up unhappy with me kicks in. (Side question: What about swearing within Wicca?) I fear changing my life drastically in a short time, but over a few years I know I can do it; I have proof. But I don't feel like I really need to because other people tell me this isn't what I should be doing. (My parents disapproving in my study makes me feel like they really don't care if I change for the better, to be a better adult.)
This stuff I know for a fact is mostly me, but why? I know I am worthy to become a Witch, I feel such a likeness in the God and Goddess that I have never before felt in the LDS God. They are my divine parents and they've welcomed me home as a family would their long-lost child.