Well I have come to the conclusion that I'm going to have to break down and start a journal again. I know that I should already be doing so, for many reasons, but it has become necessary for my mental health. I learned many years ago that if I keep everything locked deep down and shoved away, it doesn't help one iota. In fact, from past experience it has proven to be rather detrimental to not only my psychological and emotional well being, but it has hurt my physical well being.
Over the last couple of years, my group of friends has dwindled, not because I believe that I'm a bad person, or anything, but that those that I had once thought were true friends have dropped off like flies when times get tough and life happens. I have always taken friendship very seriously, I will do damn near anything I can for my friends. I however will not enable them, but strive to empower them. I would drop everything and run to help, if it is at all within my power. It doesn't matter how I personally feel, I believe that I need to be there. Unfortunately not many other people feel the same way. People tend to be too busy, don't feel up to talking, or just can't be bothered at the time. During our struggles over the past 2-3 years I have found that I have maybe 3-4 true friends that I interact with on a regular basis. One of those I only feel comfortable revealing only one side of myself, one is the hubby (who is a little difficult to talk to when it is him I'm frustrated with), one is kind of flaky and has screwed me once and is on her second chance, and the other has a lot of health problems, and is long distance. I just sometimes feel so alone. I understand that people have their own lives, but so do I, if I can't take a minute or two to lend a helping hand or bend an ear then my life needs to be tweaked somewhere to make allowances for others. I know that when I help others, I am also helping myself.
Even though I consider all these people true friends, it doesn't mean that they are available when I feel I need to talk to someone or when life is falling in on me, or when something awesome has happened. I try not to be negative , but when my life is like it has been, I just can't avoid it like I would like. I also want to share the good things that happen in my life. Even though I try to be there when they have problems, when I am having difficulties, they seem hard to reach out to. I feel if I had reciprocal attention, I would be a little more able to get past the negative and hard times in my life.I really don't need a whole lot, just a shoulder to sometimes cry on, someone to share my feelings with, and another person to celebrate my accomplishments with, and occasionally a good-natured voice to make me laugh when I would otherwise feel like crying. It wouldn't be so bad if they were more honest about it . I hate it when someone tells you they will be there, if you need them, and when you do, they might as well have fallen off the face of the Earth.
This is where I have come to the conclusion that the only way I can accomplish this is to start a journal. It never ignores my calls and/or texts, it's never all about it and forget about me, and it always has time. It is a way to get my feelings out, to release the pains of my physical problems as well as my emotional distress, and it will never make me feel like what is going on in my life is trivial and petty. I can look back at my writings and laugh, once I've gotten past that obstacles in my life and when life isn't so challenging. And of course, I know that it is a could idea for things pertaining to the craft, keeping logs on my condition, and it also has genealogical value for my descendants that follow in my footsteps. I just don't want to go flippin' bonkers
and get overwhelmed
If I'm completely off base with my thinking, please let me know.
" Drive my dead thoughts over the universe like withered leaves to quicken a new birth!" -Shelley's Ode to the West Wind
Merry Meet, Merry Part, and Merry Meet again and may the god's perserve the craft