Fundie Sister + Pagan Wedding Plans =

Kystar · Post by **Kystar** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 1:25 pm

VERY NERVOUS WITCH SISTER!

Okay, this is under "Fundies" mainly because I want to let off some nervous steam...but I could also use with some help in the postive vibe department. Let me give you the Short-short version.

My older sister has recently "found Jesus" (wasn't he behind the sofa?), and now works part-time for a TV church in Texas that her husband works at. She doesn't really accept things that I tell her all that well when she doesn't agree with them...frankly, she talks to me like I'm 5 years old. They are coming back home next week for the holidays. Mom thinks its only fair that I ask her to be in my wedding since I was Maid of Honor in hers. (Mom's already miffed that my sis won't be my MoH...don't want to ruffle mom's feathers too much more) Granted, fair is fair.

Now we get to the fun part, I get to sit down and talk to her about my beliefs and my wedding plans sometime during her visit. I don't know how she'll react...so I'm a bit nervous. See, I've been chewing on this since October, since she was supposed to come home at Thanksgiving....but didn't.

Okay...I'm done rambling...now for the hard part...any advice?

Post by **Stormy** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:49 pm

Well, I didn't vote because my option would be to sit her down and start to talk to her about your beliefs, see which way the wind blows. If she is hostile about your path and you can't get her to see reason (like the fact that Christianity IS NOT the only religion in the world and not everyone should have to follow it - you could even try the reasoning I gave to the Jehovah Witnesses - see my post under fundies) then I wouldn't even think about broaching the subject of being in the wedding. Which, BTW, does your mom know you're Pagan? What does she think about how your sister might react?

Stormy

Kystar · Post by **Kystar** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 6:24 pm

Mom knows...and kinda acepts...at least she acepts that I'm not going to change soon...but Mom insists that my sister isn't that into religion to have a problem with it.

I was actually going to start with a general description of what we're doing for the wedding, and if she needed/wanted more detailed info, I'd give it to her in bits. I want to keep the focus of the discussion on the wedding, so as to minimize argument material.

Thanks for the advice, though!

Kiril · Post by **Kiril** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 7:51 pm

Would your sister have a problem with going to muslim, or hindu wedding of someone close to her? If so, then you shouldn't even bother.

Rain ForestMoon · Post by **Rain ForestMoon** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 8:29 pm

Greetings,
My view on the matter is probably fairly close to Kiril's....
Just because christianity (in all its many forms) is the dominant religion in the USA does not alter the fact that it is just one of many religions out there, each with its own merits or otherwise.
If your sister can accept that it is valid for you to have a different religion to hers then ask her to be there. If not just say you'll send her a photo.
BTW you say that your sister recently found Jesus. Often that's the problem with new converts to any religion: they are much greater zealots than the more established disciples.
Blessings.

Kystar · Post by **Kystar** » Sat Dec 18, 2004 5:07 am

The answer to Kiril's question is: If they aren't related to her, she'll smile and nod; if they are related to her, she'll try and get them to see things from her point of view. She acts sometimes like she thinks because she's got a high IQ that she's smarter than us (me and Mom) and that what she advises is the absolutely correct thing to do, so why don't we just shut up and do what she knows is best for us, even if she doesn't know the situation...and this was her attitude since high school.

I want her to participate, but not if she's not comfortable...if she doesn't want to be IN the wedding, I'll ask her to attend the wedding ceremony, and if that's too much, ah, shut up and come to the reception at least!

Thanks for the help and I hope this clarifies a little.

Lotus · Post by **Lotus** » Sat Dec 18, 2004 5:17 am

Kystar wrote:I was actually going to start with a general description of what we're doing for the wedding, and if she needed/wanted more detailed info, I'd give it to her in bits. I want to keep the focus of the discussion on the wedding, so as to minimize argument material.

I kind of disagree with this....Yes, I know you do not want to argue with her during the holidays but now is not the time to "minimize argument material". Tis better to have it out now than in the middle of the wedding....This would probably blind-side her thus, resulting in disruption during the wedding. But then again, I do not know your sister.

Although I did not vote...my advice would be to come straight out and say "we are having a pagan wedding" and that you firmly made your mind so no prosteltizing (sp, I know I cannot spell) will work and then (depending upon her reaction) go on about plans for the wedding.

BB
Lotus

Kystar · Post by **Kystar** » Sat Dec 18, 2004 8:59 am

Well, actually, the "less information the better" attitude was to keep her from pushing me into losing my temper...which she's really good at.

If I lose my temper during this discussion, she'll stop listening to me. She justifies her treating me like a child by saying I'm not mature enough to hold an adult conversation with because I lose my temper.

But my sister will be quiet at the wedding if she says she'll do it in the begining...she'll feel committed, obligated to see if through even if she doesn't agree.

Thanks for all the help...

Linny · Post by **Linny** » Sat Dec 18, 2004 10:53 am

I'm kind of facing a problem like this myself. My fiancee is atheist and I'm Pagan...and his family is full of die-hard Xtians. *gulp* Only his mom and dad know about his being atheist, and I don't think they know about my being Pagan. *lesigh* I'm afraid of what's going to happen when we start making plans.

In an ideal situation, your sister would accept what you want and just deal with it. Or you could just blow it off and not even have her in your wedding. Unfortunately, I know that would cause problems for you, as my family's the same way.

Congratulations and good luck! Blessings to you and your fiancee. ^_^

Kystar · Post by **Kystar** » Sat Dec 18, 2004 4:31 pm

Good luck to you too...but my suggestion would be Vegas in that situation! LOL.

Post by **davisherm** » Mon Dec 20, 2004 5:00 pm

Everybody, I'd like to welcome you to the pagan and engaged club. Your membership cards will be in the mail on tuesday. Since you were late signing up, I'm afraid you'll miss out on the holiday fruit basket. But Happy Solstice anyway!

Sapphire and I are in the same boat. Our solution is to have two ceremonies. The first one will be a handfasting, performed by a very close friend. This will be very small, and probably held in the woods, somewher near my house. Then we'll have a legal wedding, with a Justice of the Peace and all of our family and friends.

This way, we'll be bound in front of our gods, and then make it legal. And it keeps my nosey family out of the picture. I love them, but I would never be able to explain my beliefs to them. To even speak something that slightly disagrees with the Bible is blasphemy and I'd hate to get excomunicated. So that's my plan.

Needless to say, I voted "heck no!"

Kystar · Post by **Kystar** » Mon Dec 20, 2004 7:16 pm

well, yeah...we considered that option...but decided we were going to do our full ceremony instead...since only 1 or 2 people out of our list are true fundies.

Good luck...when are you looking at getting hitched? We're talking October 2006

melina · Post by **melina** » Tue Dec 21, 2004 3:31 pm

I'm definitely siding with Lotus on this one. You need to be upfront and blatant about everything. The worst thing you could do is leave out important info, have her catch on in the middle of the ceremony and start making the sign of the cross and throwing holy water on all your guests. My whole family is fundie, too. However, I know I will be forced by my mother to make my sister part of my wedding (I'm talking a good 10 years from now though). I'm gonna tell her outright that I'm having a Pagan wedding and is she doesn't want to be in it, that's her decision and it's no skin off my teeth.

Kystar · Post by **Kystar** » Tue Dec 21, 2004 7:02 pm

Thanks for the advice all.
As for full disclosure, my whole thought was this: I have nearly 2 years. If conversation 1: wedding plan specifics doesn't send her flying, then we can spend time over the course of the preperation time to delve into more detail if she wants it.

Of course, I'm not planning on leaving anything out of the wedding plans, from colors to circle casting...so it will give her a broad specterm idea of our faith.

Still nervous...sister is offically in town...but "our talk" isn't scheduled until AFTER xmas.
Thanks for all the support, gang!
k.

Kystar · Post by **Kystar** » Tue Dec 28, 2004 9:36 am

WISH ME LUCK, GUYS!

Today's the day that my sister comes over for her "before we leave for another year" visit, so this is the only time I'll have to talk to her.

Unfortunately, she invited my Dad and his new wife to come over too. {Wasn't that so thoughtful of her to invite them to my house? Saved me all the trouble of knowing about it!

}

But that's not a big deal, because they already know all bout the wedding. And they won't let it go to an arguement...so maybe it was a good thing she told them to come visit.

oh well, rambling, and I gotta go finish cleaning my house.
L8r
K

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