REALLY in need ...

Kinda like a prayer chain ...
Post Reply
User avatar
Stormy
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 733
Joined: Sun Jan 18, 2004 6:11 pm
Location: Pittsburgh Area, PA
Contact:

REALLY in need ...

Post by Stormy » Mon Dec 05, 2005 8:36 pm

... of any prayers, positive thoughts, positive energy, whatever any of you good folks here are able to provide at this really stressful time of the year. I fully understand that everyone has so much of their energy being drained right now with the holidays so I really don't expect any big horrahs lol - just keeping me and mine in your thoughts in a positive way would be of help.

Here's what's up - as some here may already know, my husband and I have not spoken with ANYONE in his family in over 8 years due to horrific problems with his mother who is the "ruler" of the family - I had been a part of that family for 15 years before this. It was HIS choice. He said he would not speak to her unless she made the first move because if she didn't make the first move she would think he was weak and the problems would start all over again - which is true, IMO.

Well, I've been getting hang up phone calls for a couple of weeks. Finally, tonight, the caller spoke - it was his mother. After over 8 years, she finally called. I didn't even recognize her at first - she sounds very ill, very frail - she's in her 60's now I think...

Anyway, I was VERY nice - I've "let go" of the issues I had with her a long time ago - I don't hate her, I know she would have treated anyone my husband "chose" the same way, it was nothing "personal" - she simply didn't want her son loving anyone but her. So I asked her how she was in a very cheerful and polite voice, sounded happy and surprized she'd called, etc. etc. We didn't talk but for a few seconds though, she made her point quickly, that she'd called to wish Ken a belated happy birthday. I could tell she really didn't want to speak to me but she also didn't want to be rude, so I cheerfully said, sure, hold on and I'll go get him.

Well... he was on the phone with her and his dad for almost 3 hours. Not bad, considering that they haven't spoken for over 8 years. Long story short - she said she needed to know if they weren't going to speak anymore because she couldn't go on wondering, he said something like "we'll have to see how we're going to proceed from here". It's obvious she is pretty sick, feeling her mortality and wants to make ammends at least to where they can be family again.

I was only very briefly mentioned - she asked how I was and hubby really brushed past it fast with a "oh, she's fine, were both doing well" mumble, mumble, onto different subject. That sort of made my hackles go up because the HUGE problem we had before was that he would never stand up for me in any way with her, he never backed me up, he always backed down from her. So I'm sure you all can understand that even though I've forgiven his mom for all her nastiness that it would be a normal reaction to get a bit of a worry over his sort of brushing off talk about me so quickly. But I was cool, didn't jump up and say anything.

Then, when he got off the phone and we were talking I was totally cool about it, told him that what ever he decides is his choice, that I am all for letting the past go and moving on, giving it another try if that's what he wants to do. Then I said, "There is just one thing we have to be careful we don't do and that is you have to actually stand by me this time out and stand up for me if it comes to it, we can't go back to things being like they were or it will never work." and what does HE say? "Look, this is about her feeling her mortality and I can see you're still stuck back acting like you're in high school." That totally hurt me - it was like a slap in the face, him saying I was being a juvi baby and whining about having to be stood up for! That WASN'T what I'd said or done at all and it wasn't how I was acting, I was speaking calmly and like an adult about a very real issue. I pointed that out to him CALMLY and I told him he'd really hurt my feelings by saying that. He just mumbled and side stepped the issue and has left me feeling pretty darn worried about this whole thing. YES, I know it's his MOM, yes, I realize he's pretty upset that she is obviously so ill she is willing to be the one to "crack" and be the first to offer the olive branch, but it was exactly like before in an instant with him immediately taking her "side" and saying I was being childish and acting inappropriately to the situation.

Honestly folks, I wasn't upset or freaking out when we were talking, I was very calm and simply pointing out a very real fact - I was not unconcerned about his mom's health, in fact I had said I was concerned about just how ill she might really be long before I mentioned that he'd have to stand up to her about me this time out to make anything work. I wasn't trying to get all the focus on me, I wasn't trying to say I was more important than his mother's health, I wasn't trying to say we shouldn't speak to them or see them, I was simply pointing out the very real fact that if we picked up our relationship with them and he didn't change one simple thing (stand up for me - stand by me) that all the same problems would creep back into our relationship - not just with them, but with each other. Yet, immediately, he took sides and it was her side that he took, just like before. Yes, it may seem like a subtle thing to you folks, but believe me, I've known this man for over 20 years, I can read between the lines.

I'm scared right now, and confused, and feeling hurt - I am genuinely concerned about his mom's health as well which adds to my confusion about the whole thing. I don't know what to think, what to do, what will happen. Hubby has said that he really doesn't want to "rush" this, that he really doesn't want to do a Christmas get together because he thinks that's just too much pressure too soon. I did mention to him though that his mom probably is hoping for just that. I didn't mention that she might be so ill that he'd best not wait too long...

...so, anyhow, sorry to babble on, but any prayers, thoughts, even advice is more than welcome.
Stormy ~~}~}-:>
Aut viam inveniam aut faciam

User avatar
Crazy Healer Lady
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 3589
Joined: Thu Jul 07, 2005 6:31 pm
Location: Mission, BC
Zodiac: Libra
Contact:

Post by Crazy Healer Lady » Mon Dec 05, 2005 10:32 pm

:hug:

Sure sounds like you could use one of these.

I'm sending you lots of Reiki tonight and until it gets better. And the situation, too. Don't let him fall back into that! I wish my ex had been able to stand up for me, or that he could even now, but he can't stand up for himself. He lets his mother tell strangers that I am a witch and worship this or that.

I really really hope things get well for you and him. Draw him a map of what's going on. Write it all down. If you need to do this, and show him what's changing what's bad.

More :hug: 's
Crazy Healer Lady
Health and happiness to you!

The purpose of a relationship is not to have another who might complete you, but to have another with whom you might share your completeness. -CWG

User avatar
Rain ForestMoon
Level 11
Level 11
Posts: 314
Joined: Sun Dec 05, 2004 2:13 am
Location: Australia
Contact:

Post by Rain ForestMoon » Tue Dec 06, 2005 2:59 am

My thoughts are with, Stormy.

There is one thing we must remember. Some old people can be very manipulatve..... and some have not hesitation using their age as some sort of a leverage.

(I have seen [frome a distance] my mother destroy my brother's marriage. In my case she was not able to do that because we live on the other side of the globe.....)
And yes, I do love my mother, but I also see what's going on....

Blessings
RainForestMoon

"Excess of anything is bad, but especially the excess of Moderation"

"AQUILA NON CAPIT MUSCAS'

User avatar
morgana
Level 22
Level 22
Posts: 650
Joined: Sat Sep 13, 2003 7:42 am
Location: Florida
Contact:

Post by morgana » Tue Dec 06, 2005 5:01 am

Sometimes family can be the worst kind of enemies. My mom and I are having family issues as well. My thoughts will definitely be with you. [-o<
"Love like you've never been hurt."

User avatar
Stormy
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 733
Joined: Sun Jan 18, 2004 6:11 pm
Location: Pittsburgh Area, PA
Contact:

Post by Stormy » Tue Dec 06, 2005 7:43 am

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate it. That Reiki must have worked last night because I was starting to get an acid reflux attack from stressing and couldn't sleep when suddenly it just started to clear up and I fell soundly asleep without having to get up and take meds. THANK YOU!

And yes... I worry about the manipulation - she was a master of it, so much so that gullible me would be pulled in every time when she'd start her "I'm so happy to have a daughter, let's be great friends." crap and then she'd set me up for 2 or 3 months, laying the trap perfectly before BAM BAM BAM, she'd stab me in the back so hard it would knock me to my knees AND she would have been so careful in her set up that there was no way anyone could point the finger at her without looking like they were just trying to start something and stick up for me because she made everything look like it was MY FAULT. She's good, very, very good at the manipulation and set ups, AND at the "Oh my, I'm so sorry we had a misunderstanding, I'm just so glad I have a daughter now... let's be great friends..." and it would start all over again because I was so stupid and so desperate to actually BE friends with her...

...but after over 8 years, it's safe to say that I am not the person I used to be - I may have forgiven her for all she did, but that doesn't mean I have to be willing to lie down and get walked on again.

To hubbies credit he did say last night, after we started talking about it again, that if his mom did start something - which he says he doubts she will do since she knows now what the consequences of that are (him refusing to speak to family for over 8 years) - well, he says that if she DOES do something that all he will have to say is "Are we going to do this again?" and he thinks that will stop her in her tracks.

We'll see...

Again, thank you all so much for your support on this, and CHL - you give good Reiki :-D
Stormy ~~}~}-:>
Aut viam inveniam aut faciam

User avatar
Kystar
Level 57
Level 57
Posts: 1684
Joined: Thu Dec 02, 2004 7:46 am
Location: White Oak, PA
Zodiac: Cancer
Contact:

Post by Kystar » Tue Dec 06, 2005 8:44 am

Good luck, and many positive thoughts!:GHug:

I know how stressful this kind of crap can be. Mom and I have had a hot-cold relationship ever since I got the guts to move out of her house when I was in my early 20's. She's also very manipulative and controlling. I think there was a few generations where women were given special lessons in controlling offspring and manipulating sig others!
Guilt trips were my mom's specialty until one day I just decided enough was enough. Now we have the periods of silence followed by tentative attempts to interact followed by Mom backsliding and me walking away shaking my head.

But good luck w/your MIL...and positive energy to everyone involved...who knows, maybe it'll help her too!
You say "Witch" like it's a bad thing!

User avatar
Crazy Healer Lady
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 3589
Joined: Thu Jul 07, 2005 6:31 pm
Location: Mission, BC
Zodiac: Libra
Contact:

Post by Crazy Healer Lady » Tue Dec 06, 2005 9:05 am

and CHL - you give good Reiki
Why thanks! :lol: You made my day! Maybe that's why I felt such a surge of Reiki last night? And maybe why my stomach is sore ;) *cuts energetic cords* O___O Holy cow... Almost immediately it feels better... Mind over matter??? That is weird :lol:
God that just means every morning I have to "brush myself off." In my half asleep daze I usually forget, and they dissipate by the middle of the day, anyway...

Wow that is so crazy that happened as I was writing this!!! :lol:

Okay :lol: I'm good now.
Crazy Healer Lady
Health and happiness to you!

The purpose of a relationship is not to have another who might complete you, but to have another with whom you might share your completeness. -CWG

User avatar
Chelle
Level 4
Level 4
Posts: 117
Joined: Mon Nov 07, 2005 1:49 pm
Location: Wiltshire, England
Contact:

Post by Chelle » Tue Dec 06, 2005 11:00 am

My heart goes out to you :heart: :hug:
I am sure all will work out. There is a reason he didn't speak to her for so long so he must no what she is like...
Be what you are and not what other people want you to be!!! xxxx

User avatar
white_harmony
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 831
Joined: Sun Apr 06, 2003 2:46 am
Location: Australia
Zodiac: Virgo
Contact:

Post by white_harmony » Tue Dec 06, 2005 12:42 pm

Awe Stormy! *Hugs, Blessings, Reiki, the works!!*

Im really thinking you could use a visit to this site http://www.motherinlawstories.com/ Read the jokes and stories there and they'll make your MIL look like an angel!

Hope all goes well for you my dear! Take care, and keep strong!
~ The mystery of love is greater than the mystery of death ~

User avatar
Willow
Level 86
Level 86
Posts: 2550
Joined: Thu Mar 04, 2004 9:35 am
Location: Canada
Contact:

Post by Willow » Tue Dec 06, 2005 3:25 pm

Big blessings to you Stormy,
no one should have to deal with family stress, they are supposed to be the ones that help you. Keep your chin up.
Blessings
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
Dr. Seuss (1904 - 1991)

User avatar
davisherm
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 977
Joined: Thu Dec 18, 2003 7:00 pm
Location: The Wood
Zodiac: Aries
Contact:

Post by davisherm » Wed Dec 07, 2005 6:48 pm

If I had advise, I'd share it. But I don't. So I'll send you all the energy I can.

Bright Blessings, my sister. I'm sure that Ken with stand by your side. And you've got all of us behind you too.
"I just want to play on my Panpipes..." Cake

User avatar
Lotus
Level 27
Level 27
Posts: 782
Joined: Thu May 06, 2004 9:47 am
Location: Somewhere over the rainbow
Zodiac: Aries
Contact:

Post by Lotus » Thu Dec 08, 2005 11:42 pm

You need lots of positive energy right now and I'll send what I can. [-o<
By no means should you be expected to take her poop. :toimonster:

Here is my take on things since you asked for advice:

Mind you I do not know Ken and cannot give you first hand answer in full accuracy but perhaps this needs said.....
If he did not stand up to her then all those years ago, you cannot fully expect him to stand up to her now. A mother is a powerful force even though it was his decision to not speak to her.
I suspect that she did not learn her lesson and nothing in her mentality has changed. At this point, it is like teaching a dog an new trick (for both mother and son).
With this said, you need to not rely upon Ken to stand up for you and will simply have to stand up for yourself. Before anything progresses (or does not progress), You have to make it clear to Ken that you *will* not take her poop and to expect you to act as necessary even if it would seem as cruelty towards his mother. Make it clear to him that you will be "childish" if you deem it so due to her actions.
At this time, it would be selfish of you to prohibit their reunion in any way.
The difference is now you do not have to bite the bullet with fake pleasantries and will not be nice to her.
The problem is that this is not about you; It is about them.

It took me some time to think about this reply.....Although, what I wrote maybe harsh; It was never written to hurt/insult/anger you. Its just I know how this crap goes...she feels justified just like my own mother for all her transgressions. She seems exactly like my own mother. Either way she intends upon you looking like the bad guy.
Quite frankly, Ken *should* insist upon her apologizing to you as part of the reunion........but this might be a shot in hell.

BB
Lotus
I have not been the same since that house fell on my sister.

User avatar
Stormy
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 733
Joined: Sun Jan 18, 2004 6:11 pm
Location: Pittsburgh Area, PA
Contact:

Post by Stormy » Fri Dec 09, 2005 2:56 am

Well spoken Lotus - and entirely accurate. Not at all upset by what you said, simply upset that it is true. But I've thought long and hard about this and I know there can be no going back to the person I used to be, the peace keeper who would agree, shut up, back down, wait for "help" from Ken. Nope, not gonna happen.

Thanks again everyone for your on going support in this.
Stormy ~~}~}-:>
Aut viam inveniam aut faciam

User avatar
Crazy Healer Lady
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 3589
Joined: Thu Jul 07, 2005 6:31 pm
Location: Mission, BC
Zodiac: Libra
Contact:

Post by Crazy Healer Lady » Fri Dec 09, 2005 10:05 am

I know there can be no going back to the person I used to be, the peace keeper who would agree, shut up, back down, wait for "help" from Ken. Nope, not gonna happen
=D>
Good job, and good luck. And you know everyone here will be supporting your back for every second of it.
Crazy Healer Lady
Health and happiness to you!

The purpose of a relationship is not to have another who might complete you, but to have another with whom you might share your completeness. -CWG

User avatar
forgotten oceans
Level 17
Level 17
Posts: 489
Joined: Sun Jul 31, 2005 4:08 am
Location: J'ville, Tx
Contact:

Post by forgotten oceans » Mon Dec 12, 2005 4:05 am

Stormy, you have my blessings, and I can understand mother in laws, they're crazy with that whole momma bird syndrome. :hug:
Maybe now you're starting to understand that while I may have been born predispositioned to be pretty batty, my parents saw to it that it was a certainty and completely unavoidable. -Me

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests