Intervene or no?

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So what should I do

Intervene and hope for the best?
3
60%
Leave it be?
0
No votes
Curse his boys off?
2
40%
 
Total votes: 5

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Willow
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Intervene or no?

Post by Willow » Mon Jun 05, 2006 11:16 am

So here I am again asking for your advice.

We have a friend, her partner is abusing her emotionally. He restricts where she can go, who she can see, when she can go out and calls her names.

One of my firends has suggested intervening, this has been going on for three years now, I am doing some research first because ultimately he isn't hitting her or being "highly abusive" whatever that means.

I am worried that if we intervene, she will get mad, tell him and he will forbid her from seeing us anymore. She will also likely get mad (I have seen it in the past) but that doesn't bother me. I can handle a little anger if it is for her better good.

I am also a little worried about him coming after me and my friends. He has a bit of a temper, if we talk to her I am expecting a few vicious phone calls and some hate mail. I don't htink he would come to my house but if he did...well, my Mom is a blackbelt with giant biker next door neighbours. I am not worried.

Anyway, I need some good resources and some good vibes for whatever decision we make. And just some strenthg to get through this, I never thought this would happen tooneof my friends. So f you have advice or somemting you have done in a similar situation I would love to hear it.
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
Dr. Seuss (1904 - 1991)

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Crazy Healer Lady
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Post by Crazy Healer Lady » Mon Jun 05, 2006 11:23 am

Good vibes your way for sure!!!


I wish I could give you some solid advice. On the one hand, it's better she hear what is going on now than in 20 years when she may not be able to escape it, and on the other hand this may just throw her in deeper if she has no friends for support.

It is easy to say this from my position on the other end of the country, but if it were me I would intervene in the gentlest way possible, with hints that are just subtle enough for her to not know you mean it but strong enough that she will start to think. After a little bit, I'd bring it up in a safe place and a safe way. Just so long as she would not get mad and tell her bf.

Good luck!!!
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Health and happiness to you!

The purpose of a relationship is not to have another who might complete you, but to have another with whom you might share your completeness. -CWG

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morgana
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Post by morgana » Mon Jun 05, 2006 1:53 pm

Well I have a friend in the same position. I tried to intervene, but she got pretty mad at me when I told her exactly what I thought of her man. But then again, I am a highly opinionated person and when it comes to the safety of my friends, I will not mince words. Anyway, what I said apparently didn't change much because she ended up marrying the guy. She has told me that she had talked to him about his disturbing behavior and that it has improved, but of course I don't buy it. Anyway, I say if you're gonna try anything at all, you might as well be completely honest about what you see happening, because chances are good she'll be angry, even if you try to make gentle suggestions. Just also make sure you throw in there the line about how you love her as a friend and don't want her to end up seriously hurt by this guy. Those are my 2 cents anyway.
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Post by Lotus » Mon Jun 05, 2006 7:56 pm

Goodness, when it comes to abuse you must speak up and say something....even if she may not be willing/able to hear it now.
All I could think about is the saying, "you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink."
It is all you can do to lead her to drink but do not force her to drink.
He might be angry but, you should confront him (not alone) and he will act as if he is a kid caught in a cookie jar.
You will have my prayers for sure.
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scoia
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Post by scoia » Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:37 pm

You probably know you'll have to say something at one time or another, so set up a situation where everything is more beneficial, less tense than otherwise.

She'll probably not talk to you afterwards, probably tell him about it as well. But she will remember, and just let her know you're there for her when things are over and done.

I did the same in a very similar situation. Didn't hear from the boy (yes, men get abused by their female partners as well) for about 4 months afterwards, he had a lot to say to me at the time about interfering, etc etc. Left the scheming b%^ch of a woman after she started on the physical abuse, and he stayed with my partner and myself for a few months.

He said that he'd known about it, but was too ashamed of himself and too much in love with her to do anything about it.
First they ignore you.
Then they laught at you.
Then they fight you.
Then you win.
--Ghandi

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Ragnar
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Post by Ragnar » Tue Jun 06, 2006 1:13 am

What do you mean by "Intervene"?

I don't think for one second you would be using my method, of getting a couple of the lads together and going around to have a friendly chat with this guy.

What kind of places is he stopping her going to? I mean if my Wife was naive enough to want to go to some of the Russian "clubs" around here, then I would also be having a lock in. But if he is stopping her going to the Mall with mates, or to her Grannys, or something, then fair enough.

Ask any copper. 99% of the times you go to a "domestic situation" the two fighting will gang up together, and take on a whole SWAT team. As soon as you are gone they're beating up on each other again.

I think the important thing is to give your friend support, and build her confidence, whilst she is with you. Then maybe she can do something herself. Also, that way you can keep an eye on her, and make any more serious decissions if the problem increases. It also gives your friends and you, more time to decide exactly what "Intervene" means.

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Willow
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Post by Willow » Tue Jun 06, 2006 3:22 pm

Intervene was one of the other girls words. Essentially she wants to point out that this is not how a healthy relationship works.

What is he restricting her from? Going out to bars, malls, camping without him. HE threatened to break up wih her if she didn't transfer schools back to the hometown and calls me a bad influence (I might turn her Lesbian with my gay germs) :roll:

Anyway, I will let you know what we decide, I want to be supportive and that is top priority above all tihings. I think she knows something is up and she just might need the guts to go along with it.

*sigh* there are often too many right things to do.
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
Dr. Seuss (1904 - 1991)

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Crazy Healer Lady
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Post by Crazy Healer Lady » Tue Jun 06, 2006 7:41 pm

Willow wrote:HE ... calls me a bad influence (I might turn her Lesbian with my gay germs) :roll:
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

aww hun you sound like a really wonderful friend. I hope things work out and that the right decision is made and that it all works out
Crazy Healer Lady
Health and happiness to you!

The purpose of a relationship is not to have another who might complete you, but to have another with whom you might share your completeness. -CWG

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Brown Eyed Girl
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Post by Brown Eyed Girl » Wed Jun 07, 2006 2:25 am

I know over here that mental violence can also amount to ABH and GBH as it is equally as serious and can have detrimental affects to everyday standard of living *breathes* If its similar where you are, intervene and get legal on his arse, it always tends to freak out the abusers now *Especially as they no longer need the victim to prosecute over here ;)* But that is judging on the fact the laws are the same as in the UK

But good luck all the way even if there not.
Who is "I" without a past? A river without a source? An event without a cause?

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