I don't have much longer to live..I think..

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VoudunLady25
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I don't have much longer to live..I think..

Post by VoudunLady25 » Sat Apr 29, 2006 5:16 pm

Hi, guys.. I've been feeling depressed lately and I think its due to an innate feeling I've been having..

I don't know what it is..I've known it since I was little girl I've felt that some terrible death would come about and change my life around the age of 15 or 16. I'm 14 now and I have a feeling that that death will be my own. I just don't see myself living past my 15th or 16th birthday. I don't know if I will die by suicide or by accident.

The method of suicide is most likely because I am suicidal and have been battling with suicidal thoughts since I was 12. I don't know if my feelings are right or wrong. Has anyone else ever felt this way?
Religion is like going to McDonald's. Why should I be enemies with you because you choose to walk and I choose to drive?

"Behind every great tyrant is God.."

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Crazy Healer Lady
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Post by Crazy Healer Lady » Sat Apr 29, 2006 7:41 pm

Okay

I love this forum, you guys are my brothers and sisters, and the hell with barriers. I'm spilling, damn it.

I used to have this. All my life I thought I was going to die in 2004. I had three main predictions, and they came true. I knew how old I would be with my first kiss, and when I lost my virginity. They came true. I also struggled with depression, attempted suicide, self-mutilation. Not falling into melodrama here, but this was my life for about seven years. I KNEW I would die in 2004.

Guess what happened? I didn't die. In a way I did, I suppose. My old self died. A woman I talked to about this online a few years ago told me that this is exactly what would happen, and she was right. I became a completely different person. I guess I could say that my prediction was the death of the old me, by the hand of Reiki, and my rebirth, at the hand of Reiki.

Depression sucks. It really does, obviously, but the world is so much better once you get out of it. I don't see a cloud that doesn't remind me of how beautiful life is. There is so much vibrancy in each leaf and blade of grass and each rock, and it is so sad to want to leave it, to be so involved and so completely overtaken by your pain that you cannot see it. But it makes you realize, again, how precious life is, how magical.

As I said I fully believed I would die. Since I was a child, and I mean a tiny child, who should have no thoughts of this, I knew this is when I would die. It's like being palliative with a disease. Your situation reminds me exactly of mine.

My honest opinion is that you will not die, but something else will happen. I believe you, too, will transform.

I am sorry if some of my words sound harsh or heartless, or flakey, or typicalgoth, or whatever. They are not meant to.
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The purpose of a relationship is not to have another who might complete you, but to have another with whom you might share your completeness. -CWG

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Post by Raven » Sun Apr 30, 2006 5:49 am

I get this too sometimes... Idk, like you I just don't see myself living to be very old. It might be some great transformation as CHL has suggested, or maybe actual death. All I know is that if I am needed somewhere else, I will be taken there, and not by my own hands. I have too many people that love me and need me here to even think about taking myself from them. If you are truly meant to die, then you shall. Other than that, don't take matters into your own hands.
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Post by Firelord » Sun Apr 30, 2006 8:01 am

Oh, bullocks.
No one of any significantly young age can imagine themselves growing old. It's the old immortality complex. When you get to be over 20 you'll realize how overexaggerated you make this entire scene and you'll realize that you can grow old just like everyone else and that one day you will be old. When you're about 7 or 8 years old it's hard enough to imagine yourself as being 10 or ever 12... it goes along those lines.

You're too worried about the future and if you go on worrying that you're gonna die one day then you're about to mess up the most free years of your life you're ever going to find. You will have almost 2 years in which you will be allowed to drive but aren't required to put a roof over your own head or purchase your own food or anything else for that matter. You gonna ruin that by staying inside worried that something is going to get you?

Life should be lived, not stuck fearing death. You should save your message and read it again in a few years just to hear how it sounds.

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Post by Crazy Healer Lady » Sun Apr 30, 2006 8:14 am

Well said, Firelord.
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The purpose of a relationship is not to have another who might complete you, but to have another with whom you might share your completeness. -CWG

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Post by Stormy » Sun Apr 30, 2006 1:13 pm

I think that every teenager at one time or another is "suicidal" - I was, I'm 42 now. I decided that I wasn't going to die for anyone's convenience - not even my own. Was a good choice. I hope you will make the same one concerning your suicidal thoughts.

As for fear of something happening to you - had that too, always felt like something horrific was coming. Wasn't sure if it was me dying or what, but, of course, being human, that was what I thought of first. Well, some things horrific did happen in my life, a couple of things that did make me "die" - a part of me at least - that was ten years ago, and I'm still here, better and stronger than before. Sometimes horrible things need to happen to make us change, to kill parts of us that we need to leave behind but have been unable to do so on our own.

So to sum up, yeah, I've felt like you. Just keep moving forward day by day and don't die for anyone's convenience, not even your own, cause there's too much to live for.
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Post by Kystar » Sun Apr 30, 2006 1:53 pm

I had a sucidial train of thought when I was 14...but realized very quicky that in killing myself, I was allowing the negative people/events/spirits affecting my life to win. As a rather...competitive...person, I refused to ceed victory to some other force...so I slogged on and learned to live for me, not for those who wanted something from me.

Dark thoughts like that might very well be the foreshadowing of something vastly life-altering. I think you need to go into some serious meditational states and find your guide...which helped me through a very dark patch when I was convinced that I was totally cursed and should not interact with people.

Good luck.
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Post by scoia » Sun Apr 30, 2006 6:40 pm

Also, going around every single day heartily convinced of an impending tragedy is enough to bring your own curse upon yourself.

Blah, blah, positive thing, something something. Everyone's felt like this, just try to re-learn how to be happy again as a matter of course.

Like CHL said (with a bit more eloquence), stuff is good.

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Post by Lotus » Tue May 02, 2006 4:11 pm

I joke sometimes that I am not suicidal but, homicidal...as in "I would not be feeling this way if it were not for you idiots" sort of thing (ie. the world, politics, greedy people).
Part of me hates myself and has hated myself for most of my life. There are many factors towards this but ultimately it is one thing: I've been taught/told that I do not deserve better.
Sometimes today I still just want it all to end and go on to my next incarnation but, where would I be without these experiences? I put faith and hope in the notion that there is a reason for everything.
Most of my life I have been manipulated by people and their wants and desires. My mother wants me to fit this 1950s paradigm where I am a wife/mother with a husband who owns a nice house. Because of this, she has been obsessed with my appearance all of my life. Because I am not the perky size 2 bimbo running after ruggrats, I am somehow not good in her eyes.
Much has to do with people trying to cookie-cutter you into something that you are not and make you feel awful because you are not what they want you to be.
I just hate the rat race that we are forced to run and the sexist crap that women have to pretend that they are.

My advice:
Be who you are and fight tooth and nail for what you really want.

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Post by Kitsune » Wed May 03, 2006 7:56 am

Good advice, it's what I do actually. I used to hate myself, but in the last few years, I've grown up. I've gotten past the suicide urges of teendom, and I've become myself. I try not to let myself care what other people think... Although, for my honey's sake, I haven't bought a pentacle necklace that I wanted to buy. I just think it's a nice necklace, but he's right in that people look at you differently if you wear the star.

Regardless, I'm much happier now. Just keep pushing. So long as you don't give up, death will have to take you kicking and screaming. And even death will let go if you kick him in the face. :lol:
Trying to create a world, even in words, is good occupational therapy for lunatics who think they're God, and an excellent argument for Polytheism. -S.M. Stirling

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Post by Willow » Wed May 03, 2006 4:44 pm

Same advice as everyone else but I would also recommend talking to someone you trust. It is always tough to go through these things alone and plus, the age you are at is hard and can really suck. Other kids are mean, parents tend to idealize when they were teenagers and the rest of your family can seem like they are from outer space.

As for right or wrong, neither, everyone feels them and if you make a choice in either direction you have to live with the consequences. Just remember, so does everyone else. Having lost someone close to me through suicide, it isn't worth it. His note said "i don't want to hurt anyone." Bull*&^%

But seriously, feel free to PM any of us if you ever need to talk. I know I am over the hill now for you (In my early twenties) but you are welcome to PM me for an MSN address if you need to get some things off your chest. And I am sure almost anyone else on this board would be willing to do the same!

Good luck!
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
Dr. Seuss (1904 - 1991)

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