LONG Rant About Relationships: Advice?

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LONG Rant About Relationships: Advice?

Post by Crazy Healer Lady » Fri Apr 14, 2006 12:02 am

All right, folks. I'm sorry. Looking for a bit of romance advice here #-o It pains me to do this, it really does (especially at 12:30am when I have a client early the next day), but here goes.

I'll keep this as brief and painless as possible. Hey, I'm not responsible for you reading it! :lol: No more apologies from here on! Much of this may just be ranting...

I am with a new man I have had a crush on since kindergarten who has recently moved back to my town. He lived a few hours away and we would see him and his family every summer, and we have been hanging out nearly every night for about two weeks. We have been romantically seeing each other for almost a week. I am incredibly happy and even though the relationship is young I could see myself with him for many many years.

The trouble: My ex. We have been friends since the break-up (6 or 7 months ago) as some of you may remember from a previous post about love vs spirituality. Now that I am going out with this wonderful man he is bitter and angry and keeps taking shots at me: "You never wanted to do this when we were going out!" "This is what was wrong with us" and yadda yadda yadda. I am getting frustrated.

Why I can't just say the heck with him: He is getting depressed, I know. His father died little over a month ago, his best friend is up in the Interior, his family is crazy and abusive, he's lost weight, he's having all these embarrassing tests done for his messed up elbow and his weight loss, and he feels absolutely abandoned by me. I still have been talking to him almost every night, just less, and I see him about as much (once a week when I can get into town).

My life is starting to get really really good {knock on wood}. I've got a great guy and I don't see our relationship ending soon, my Reiki practice is going up again {knock on wood}, I'm happy, healthy, I've lost about 15 lbs (where they went I'll never know!), I'm getting into a weight-training/cardio program with my new guy because he wants to make one for me because this is what he went to college for (did I mention he is a god????? LOL) and I think it would be really fun and just what I need (jump-roping, jogging, and yoga is fun but come on), I'm hiking lots, etc. My medical is getting sorted out, my taxes are all in order, my house is clean, the gardens are good... I'm so happy that I'm getting into good shape (not that I was in bad shape before) and being healthy and spiritual and things are going so good...

And then there is my ex who is stuck in his dark little house getting yelled at 24/7. He has no motivation to go get his license or get a car. He has no friends other than me because they have all moved on with their lives, except the one in the Interior he should be moving out with when he gets back.

Should I feel guilty? Should I stop seeing my ex? I'm seeing all these flaws that I overlooked. Everything I did, I did because I felt guilty. That is why I was so weird about the Astrology post Willow put up, lol. With my new man I don't feel that. I don't feel guilt-tripped into anything. I don't feel badly, and I refuse to let it be like that again. I went to my ex's tonight, which started this big rant, to hang out and try to be friends, and we ended up arguing the whole time. Puppy dog eyes when I have to leave. Five minutes after I told him I had to leave at 11:30 he said, "I thought you were staying until 12" and "No, I just said..." I had to let him go last night on the phone because I had to sleep (11pm). Sad voice, making me feel guilty. Apparently he had to get his family off the Internet and got yelled at for it, and that is my fault how?????? Maybe he should get the motivation to get a better job and get his license and move out... Hmmmmmm #-o I would never say this to him like this. For crying out loud!! How can you be almost 20 and still have no license in the backwoods? I can understand in the city. He makes me feel guilty about having a new man. He says he is afraid to call in case he interrupts something :evil: (We have been going out a week! Does this say something about what he thinks of me? GRR) He throws the phone down, he said, if he phones and I am out with him or he is there. I notice, though, that he has not said, "Oh, I could beat him up." ;) (Karate adult black-belt & sensei, mwa ha ha ha. Hmm. Do I have a thing for the warrior persona? LOL)

I don't want to abandon him!! I don't want to leave him in the dirt but I don't want to deal with this!!! I was singing and swearing/yelling to Nine Inch Nails all the way home! He's popping my happy little bubble and I am upset. Maybe it's good because it keeps me from floating off into lala land, but I'm not happy with it.

Am I just mad at him tonight? In a few days will this all blow over? I have no experience with this stuff! I know everyone goes through it and in no way do I think this is worse than anything anyone else experiences, but it's darn annoying and I'm not happy with life's complications at this time :evil:

At least the new man is so understanding. He knows I do not have any lingering feelings toward my ex, and understands all this. All he said was, "As long as I don't get any death threats." :lol: (Hmm. Just occurred to me you may all be thinking I date violent men. Nooooooo. Certainly do not. Not dumb, thank you! LOL)

Wow this is a huge huge post. Well, uh... :oops: Congratulations, you have a window into my personal life and all the messed up stuff therein. If anyone could shed some light on the subject (if your eyes are not bleeding from reading so long) I would be most obliged. Forgive the stupid young love crap. I guess this is really what love is. Grr.

WOW 1am! Must sleep! Have client early! Will be rested enough. I am going to go curl up and try to sleep. This would have kept me up until 3am if I'd not ranted, so thank you all for listening, even if you didn't, thanks for giving me the space to post and b***h and get things out of my head.
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The purpose of a relationship is not to have another who might complete you, but to have another with whom you might share your completeness. -CWG

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Post by Ragnar » Fri Apr 14, 2006 1:48 am

" and he feels absolutely abandoned by me."
Yeah well. THAT'S what "breaking up" is.

Breaking up was never meant to be easy. Humans just aint built like that.

Sounds to me like your ex is a little immature. Leave him to it. He has as much chance of finding someone else as you did. It is not your fault if he can not get his act together. You are not his Mother, Sister, or pet dog. He has to learn to stand on his own two feet.

I've been divorced twice. You get over it.

He has to get used to the idea. Constantly seeing him and visiting him just prolongs the problem. For the sake of yourself, and your new man, make a clean break.

Otherwise three people are going to be left high and dry. Your ex, you and your new man. At least with a total break TWO of you will be happy.

Good luck with your new find. :-D

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Post by Rain ForestMoon » Fri Apr 14, 2006 1:51 am

I have always had the experience that to remain friends with an ex is a very bad idea, especially in the medium to long term. (It may work for a little short while, helping you - or the ex - over the shock and trauma of the break-up, but even the benefits of that are questionable.)

The old saying: "Friends can become Lovers, but Lovers can't become Friends" was probably not coined for nothing.

Sorry, that's all I can contribute. Obviously I'm not familiar with the actual specifics of your situation, so there may be other factors at work.

Just a question: What does your new Man think about you and your ex still being friends?

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Post by Tagwen » Fri Apr 14, 2006 2:41 am

I would have to suggest walking (or driving) up to your ex and saying "If you want help with something I can help, but if you want to talk about me seeing another man, I've got better things to do."

I think it quite simple that friendship can exist as long as you get him not to cling on the "what if" and "why did".

It's just a idea but am only 16 so what do I know?
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But seriously the drowning man a hand and if he won't take it well... pride is not always the best trait in people...

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Post by Stormy » Fri Apr 14, 2006 7:37 am

Ragnar said what I am about to say, but much more tactfully ;)

Dump your whiney, clinging vine, "I can't take responsibility for my own life so I blame everyone else" ex as fast as you can. Don't see him anymore and make it viciously clear to him that he is not to try to see you or call you and that if he does you will get a restraining order.

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY - that is what your ex wants and that is how he controls people.

Then go and grab that yummy new boy toy and play with him - you've every right to be happy and no reason to ruin your own happiness for someone who doesn't understand that every thing we do in this life is a choice - no matter how hard or how easy - every thing is OUR CHOICE. If your ex choses to live in a bad environment and be miserable, that's his problem, NOT YOURS!
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Post by Ragnar » Fri Apr 14, 2006 8:56 am

Stormy wrote:Ragnar said what I am about to say, but much more tactfully ;)
Tactfully?

Damn. I must be sickening for something. :-D

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Post by Crazy Healer Lady » Fri Apr 14, 2006 6:10 pm

Thank you all so much :oops:

I still haven't decided what to do, but I am getting the same message from everyone that I am getting from my mother. My mother gives good advice, by the way.
Rainforestmoon wrote: The old saying: "Friends can become Lovers, but Lovers can't become Friends" was probably not coined for nothing.
...
Just a question: What does your new Man think about you and your ex still being friends?
So true so true.
What does he think? He's all right with it. He knows he is all that is on my mind, and is happy that I want to be friends with my ex, because he had such a bad break-up before me. I don't think he is too enthused, but is all right with it.

I think you are all correct. I think I have got to just leave my ex in the dust. Or Tagwen's suggestion, at least. I need a few days to figure things out. Grrrr.
Stormy wrote: Then go and grab that yummy new boy toy and play with him
Murrrrr Sounds like a great idea! LOL :oops:

I feel like a bit of an a** but hey that's okay. I apologize too much for everything.

Thank you all again for your time and your words of wisdom.
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The purpose of a relationship is not to have another who might complete you, but to have another with whom you might share your completeness. -CWG

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Post by Kitsune » Sat Apr 15, 2006 11:31 am

I do agree with everything that everyone else is saying, but I do believe that lovers can remain friends afterward. So long as both of them realize that it's over. The problem comes when one or the other can not let go. That's when the friendship crumbles. Obviously he can't let go. If he could, the friend idea works. Since he can't, either he or you need to make the break, and he's not going to, so it falls to you to dampen your day and break it to him. But after that, definitely go and step back onto cloud nine. You deserve it.
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Post by scoia » Mon Apr 17, 2006 4:45 pm

Well, I'm not really saying anything new here, but yes, make more of a break from him.

Believe me, I had to live with an ex boyfriend after a really bad break for three months, being around doesn't really help them or you at ALL.

Ex partners (esp the ones who want to get back together) need space from you to allow themselves to feel all mopey and bitter, and then get over it.

He will, and even if it takes him a long time, he'll have to get on with life.

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Post by Willow » Mon Apr 17, 2006 5:46 pm

Hey CHL, sorry it took me so long to post.

The hardest part is that you don't want to abandon your guy because of the bad things happening. I get the feeling you may feel slightly responsible for it.

One of your options is to tell him to deal. As much I hate to say this, 90% of life is what you make of it. Bad things happen. Period. They suck. You deal with them because you have to. I don't know how old your ex is but if he is old enough to get out of the house maybe it is time to do it. If you live in a small town in BC there may not be many opportunities for him there. He may have to make the giant leap and move where the work is. Or Take out a student lone and get his a$$ into school.

IF he is doing everything he can, he may be depressed. There is treatment for that. You can't be responsible and you cannot feel guilty. You know hat people are who make other non-responsible people feel guilty for their problems are? Jerks. It is the same trick my Dad pulled on my Mom. This may not be what is happenings. Maybe you can ask an honest friend who is watching the situation what they think.

Maybe your ex is having a string of bad luck. if that is it, i would recommend not fighting with him. This is easier said than done but when it comes to that you have to walk away. I broke up with a guy who lived int he same dorm as me. Four the next two years it was awkward every time I saw him, but we had to ignore each other because I too am susceptible to the puppy dog eyes. I was only with him in groups and man was it awkward. But He knew the separation. And I refused to talk to him about any new loves until recently, because humans get jealous.

Anyway,t his is really long and I doubt it helps. All I can say is I have been there. It sucks. But I will support you in whatever you choose.
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
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Post by Crazy Healer Lady » Mon Apr 17, 2006 10:54 pm

Thanks again, all!

This is going to be another rant, but just to let you know we are not talking for a long while.

I told him off. Not even meanly, just everything that I felt he was doing. I told him about the guilt-trips and how I will not take them and I refuse to feel guilty.

The scary part: This is a man I was with for over three years. He was wonderful, and I felt completely safe. He has inherited a silver tongue from his recently deceased father, meaning he could talk his way out of anything, even if he had a body in his trunk in full view of a cop, not that this has happened, lol. I told him that he has this silver tongue and that he is using it to put guilt trips on me and up until now they were working. He said, "I could emotionally break you if I wanted to." O____O Yes... I asked why, sarcastically, and he clarified (he could say things, apparently, that would hurt me, but he WON'T, because somehow that makes him a better person), and I should have just laughed at him but said, "Uh, yeah. I don't think so. Maybe a month ago. Maybe even two weeks ago. But not now."

So yes. Not talking for a long while. I have separated and am having to deal with the guilt of leaving him there while he is depressed but he is NOT my responsibility.
Willow wrote: I get the feeling you may feel slightly responsible for it.
:lol: VERY responsible, but not anymore! I'm throwing in the towel on this one. I'm not fighting anymore. I am enjoying my new mate, and Mr Threat can take care of himself. He's not even getting cookies when I make them on Thursday. :evil: LOL
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The purpose of a relationship is not to have another who might complete you, but to have another with whom you might share your completeness. -CWG

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Post by Ragnar » Mon Apr 17, 2006 11:00 pm

Crazy Healer Lady wrote:He's not even getting cookies when I make them on Thursday. :evil: LOL
WOW! He's really done it this time. #-o No cookies. :smt011

Good on ya' Lass. "The truth will out". ;)

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Post by Crazy Healer Lady » Mon Apr 17, 2006 11:33 pm

Thanks, Ragnar ^___^

You guys all get cookies. My favourite chocolate chip recipe. *Shoves cookies into the floppy drive*
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The purpose of a relationship is not to have another who might complete you, but to have another with whom you might share your completeness. -CWG

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Post by Lotus » Tue Apr 18, 2006 3:26 pm

Ok, I got to this late and did not read the other posts. I've still at the library because my computer is jacked up and have limited time here.

The guilt trip thing is a manipulation tactic. He wants to keep you in the gutter to make himself feel better. Friendship between exes never really works until maybe a year or two after the fact.
And maybe he is right "you never did this with me"........New relationship; New behavior.
He is a product of his own actions....not yours.
You really need to cut things loose.

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Post by auramoonsongs » Thu Apr 20, 2006 11:38 am

I know how you feel, my husband left me last year and well we were getting on great until I got a new man, well he hasn't been the nicest person, I'm getting the blame for all sort's of thing's and I was getting fed up and felt it was my fault. In the end I couldn't stand it anymore, so I had a strict talk with him, told him that he is no longer a major part of my life and that I was moving on and I would like him to move on and that I don't hate him and well that seemed to work. You just have try and be strong and tell him how you want thing's to be, you can not feel guilty as you have not caused this at all. You are only moving on with your life, yeah you can stay friends with him but you have to point it out to him that you are only friends now.

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