Ritual of the Blessed Motherboard

The Tigress


Thus it follows that after many days of chaos, unfounded mayhem and startling inconvenience <as given in favor by the Goddess Eris> so it shall be that I am finally able to share with you the official ceremony of the Blessed Motherboard and the Horned One that Plugs in the Wall. This ceremony is one to be practiced by Discordian compu-pagans each Midsummer Eve in holy celebration and appreciation of debugged upgrades, new shareware, faster circuitry and all the blessings that flow from the Goddess...

Note : Let it be said that if your system crashes, your motherboard becomes twitchy, your hard drives fail, or your cables spout forth fire - that this is an indication that the Goddess is displeased with your compu-worship. At this time, if the posting of many tales of compu-sexuality doth fail to pacify Her. This is the time that this ritual must be done to regain Her pleasure.

It is thus that this ritual be made easier if thou coven of compu-pagans is large, for then the obtainment of the necessary materials be far easier...

Necessary ritual components -

  • To represent the Matron Goddess : 1 AT Motherboard <preferably a 386 with Large Co-processors.> <may be in "twitchy condition".>
  • To represent the Crone: 1 AT&T Phone bill from Mother Bell. <the higher the debt, the better one can justify ones needs to the Goddess>
  • To represent the Maiden: a large firepit dug in the shape of a circle around which the pentagram will be formed. <dry wood laid in preparation>
  • To represent the God: 1 very Large, very THICK power supply cable
  • For the Pentagram : 1 can of neon or glow in the dark paint
  • For the Quarters : The following items are placed at each quarter -
  • North : A Power supply with cable, the energy which inspires us
  • East: A keyboard through which our innocence is transformed to lust
  • South: A hard drive which saves our writ to seal our doom
  • West : A Monitor by which all might see our lustful spells at work
  • The Altar : A makeshift desk
  • The Incense: A chipped ashtray and a pack of Camels <extra humps>
  • The Cup: A container of highly caffeinated substance <coke, jolt, Pepsi>
  • The Bowl : a bowl of fine earth to represent the accumulation of dust in your house which you haven't cleaned since you spend all your time at the keyboard .
  • The Flame: One jar of kerosene, gasoline, or other flammable substance with matches that one uses to light the fire.
  • In addition: Each member of the network coven should bring spare parts, broken cables, split chips, bungled software, etc...for fire offerings at the conclusion of the ceremony. Clothing during this ceremony is optional.

Opening Chant <To be sung as the HPs and HP draw the circle and pentagram around the firepit><sung to the tune of "Rain drops keep falling on my head >

Circuits keep blowing on my board
my hard drive keeps crashin
and its heads are getting scored
Messages are lost OH
Time to appease the Goddess of all Computers
Alas I'm broke
My bills
Are higher than my income
Oh please Goddess I'm begging thee
To hear my plea and heal my system
ba dum dum, ba dum ba dum dum

Cables are ruined by crossing wires
My modem is burping
and its screwing up my files
Data's being lost OH
I ask the Horned One Plugging into my wall
Oh Please don't surge
My DOS
is shareware and its fragile
Oh please Horned One
I'm begging thee
Remember that my ram is borrowed
ba dum dum, ba dum ba dum dum

The Crone works her spells through Mother Bell
My phone bills enormous
and my life is living hell
Long distance is a bitch OH
What did I do before to deserve this karma?
I have five days
To pay
The toll charge for downloading
from New Jersey
Oh Mother Bell,
have mercy on my lust addiction
ba dum dum, ba dum ba dum dum

I worship through the message base
Hiding behind keyboards
where you cannot see my face
Sexual inuen - DO
Maiden protect me from my own sweet confusion
Let me log in
to boards
To satisfy my hunger
and to praise you
and sacrifice your innocence among the echoes
ba dum dum, ba dum ba dum dum

Its My Lust...Sacrifice it or BUST

<To be sung until the Pentagram and altar are set up, the last sentence repeated and slowly faded>

The ritual begins...

As the coven sings the ritual opening chant the HP & P paint the Pentagram around the firepit with neon or glow in the dark paint. The items are placed in the designated directions and the altar is set up to the north of the fire with the following items placed upon it.

  • To the North end of the altar the ashtray and cigarettes
  • To the East end of the altar the holy cup
  • To the South end of the altar the bowl of earth
  • To the West end of the altar the jar of kerosene and matches.

As the HP calls the elements the P shall pass her the items in question

The coven at the end of each elemental calling shall chant the following:

Elemental Power
Come out and play with me
Play midst my flaming spree<fire>
and sing the chant with me <Air>
Splash in my rain barrel <Water>
Slide down my cellar door <Earth> And we'll be jolly friends
Forever more

The HP calls to the Element of Fire <and taking the kerosene from the P> intones:

Fire, Fire burning bright, like a candle in the night
Come and join us in our flight, Lend us your eternal light
Warm the Maiden with your flame,
I call you in the Goddess's Name.

The HP pours the kerosene liberally upon the firewood in the pit and lights the fire with the matches. <the coven sings the elemental chant>

The P hands the HP the bowl of earth. The HP tosses the earth upwards to scatter it around the circle and over the altar as she intones:

Elemental Earth I beckon thee, with us in this circle be
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, firm foundation is a must
Warm bed for the Matron's frame I call you in the Goddess's Name

<the coven sings the elemental chant>

The P hands the HP the cup of caffeinated substance. The HP lifts it to her lips and intones:

Water quench our thirst, keep us wet and wild
Join us in our circle hence, praise the lady mild.
Liquid of Life that has no shame
I beckon thee in Goddess's Name

The HP drinks from the cup and beckons the P to drink of it, he does. <the coven sings the elemental chant>

The P hands the HP the ashtray and a cigarette and lights it for her, the HP takes a long drag and as she exhales intones:

Airy, Airy, quiet and contrary how doth your winds blow?
Through maidens hair your breath ensnare, your secrets we would know.
The Pow'r of Wind by Lady made tame
I beckon thee in Goddess's Name

<the HP smokes and exhales as the coven sings the elemental chant>

The HP and P prepare to summon the directions in supplication to be followed by the closing of the circle.

The following is a chant used by the coven at each directional opening.

"From the North awakening, the energy inspires
From the East our eagerness to learn amid the fires
From the South commitment and thus we seal our doom
From the West comes reckoning, our message answered soon"

The HP and P walk to the North and hold up the Power supply. The P intones:

The Power of the north inspires us and lends us its energy for our use in supplication. This Power Supply I offer to thee Oh Goddess that your Power run through my computer and my life.

The P tosses the Power supply into the fire.

<the coven sings the directional chant>

The Hp and P walk to the East and hold up the keyboard. The P intones:

The Power of the East transforms our innocence through tasting the fire of Life. This Keyboard, I offer to thee Oh Goddess that your knowledge guide my fingers on their path through the system of Life.

The P tosses the keyboard into the fire.

<the coven sings the directional chant>

The HP and P walk to the South and hold up the hard drive. The P intones:

The Power of the South is that of action and consequence, of commitment to the path and the ability to remember the lessons learned thereof. This Hard Drive I offer to thee Oh Goddess that your memory of my acts and deeds be remembered with praise and favor in thine eyes. The P tosses the Hard Drive into the fire.

<the coven sings the directional chant>

The HP and the P walk to the West and hold up the monitor. The P intones:

The Power of the West is that of access to all things, to seeing truthfully into the path of a life and judging it thusly, worthy or unworthy. This monitor I offer to thee Oh Goddess that your eternal eyes may see into my life and may watch over my actions, and that I may find favor in you as my eternal Sysop. The P tosses the monitor into the fire.

<the coven sings the directional chant>

The HP and P walk thrice around the circle widdershins and all chant thusly:

Ring around the altar
Power never falter
Goddess, God
We summon thee <repeated until the circle is thrice closed.>

The Circle Closed and the directions and elements present, the HP and P prepare to call to the Goddess and to the Horned One.

The HP stands before the fire pit and calls:

Virgin Goddess, gentle maid
She whose seeking to get laid
Bring your innocence to Bare
For those who worship for your care

<the P leads the coven in the Maiden chant>

Come on Maiden light your fire
Come on Maiden light your fire
Come and set the night on FIRE

The HP stands before the fire pit and holding the phone bill calls:

Oh Mother Bell, Oh Crone of Disconnection from this pagan life
I beseech thee, hold back thy hand of dread financial strife
In atonement bills I pay to thee
Of thy modem killing hand let me be free

The HP tosses the phone bill into the fire.

<The P leads the coven in the Crone Song>

" We're sorry, the number you have reached has been temporarily disconnected Booooo Hissssss
We're sorry, the number you have reached has been temporarily disconnected Booo Hisssss"

The HP stands before the Altar and holds high the very long and very thick cable of the Horned One that Plugs into the Wall and calls:

Oh Horned One, Powerful Consort of the Blessed Motherboard
Surging with Energy you take your place as Lord
Pulsing with Power, with each surge of volts you swell
Pumping life into the Goddess, you serve her purpose well

The HP tosses the very long, very thick cable into the fire

<the P leads the coven in the Horned One chant>

Pump, Pump, Pump it up...keep the power flowing
Pump, Pump, Pump it up...hard fast and never slowing
Pump, Pump, Pump it up...We know you please the Goddess
Pump, Pump, Pump it up...Be strong and never modest

The HP raises the Blessed Motherboard with Large Co-processors high in the air and the P and HP each take and end in their hands. Raising the Motherboard high in the air they intone:

Blessed Mother, Sacred Goddess come to bless your users
Keep us safe from disk crash and lurking abusers
Let thy healing hands caress our crippled hardware
Let our nodes stay stable, that through distance we may share
In your holy worship together we may gather nightly
Writing innuendo, our modems steaming slightly
Bless us Holy Goddess, and show us by your sign
That we have earned your favor, your blessing so divine.

The HP and P lead all in the following chant:

A Prayer to the Goddess for self consecration

Dominus Regit Goddess

The Blessed Goddess is my mistress;
I shall not be in want
She maketh me lie down on soft bedding
and leadeth me to think of rumpling it
She revives my soul <when I thought I was exhausted>
and guides me along the most sensual pathways for pleasures sake
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of dangerous desire
I shall fear not impotence
for she is insatiable
my rod and staff they comfort her
We spread a table of ecstasy in the presence of those
who are sorely troubled by arousal
She anoints my head with honeyed oil
and I make her cup run over
Surely the pleasure and bliss shall follow me all the days of my life
and I will dwell in the caves of ecstasy within mind forever.

Thus said, the HP and P intone the following:

OH Blessed Motherboard please accept this offering in your name, and in the name of the Horned One who plugs in the Wall and gives you pleasure... that we may be blessed in our offerings to you both in circle and in life.

Thus said, the HP and P toss the Motherboard into the fire.

The HP and P lead the coven in the following chant -

Blessed be the Motherboard from whom all messages flow
Blessed be the Horned One who fills Her with His offering
Blessed be the sysops who transfer the packets
Blessed be the writers and those who inspire what they bring
Blessed be the hard drives that keep messages from harm
Blessed be the modems which send packages large and small
Blessed be the shareware we use to commune
Blessed be the network which links us up with all
Blessed be our minds, that we might write our prayers
Blessed be our fingers that tap amongst the keys
Blessed be our monitors that shine with holy light
Blessed be our senses that stimulate with ease
Blessed be the circle, a circuit without end
Through which we hail and merry meat with those that we call friend.

At this point the HP and P gaze into the fire for the portent of the

Goddess's sign of approval <the flames of blue light from the motherboard offering>

At seeing this both HP and P raise their arms in joyful supplication and shout <To be echoed by the Coven members in attendance after each line>

The Maiden's found appeasement and She is satisfied
The Crone is in abeyance, her compu-billings fried
The Horned One's filled with power, in joining He is pleased
The Goddess sends Her blessings, cleansing virus and disease.
We thank the 4 directions for standing by our side
We thank the elementals and their power all allied
To Celebrate our status anointed compupagans of sin
Let Joyful Inhibition be released and the saturnalia begin!!!!

<the HP and P release the circle and the partying shall now commence>

Sensual foods and drinks are served and shared, <the rest you can imagine>


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