Christian Baby Soup

Tzimon Yliaster

The Secret Recipe for our famous Kaos Kitchens Kristian Kinderzuppe has been kept secret long enough. The time has come to reveal the secret formula for the soup that Discordians have come to know and love.


  • One Christian child of age 4-6 months, around 15 lbs. Episcopalian when in season.
  • 6 large turnips
  • 1/2 cup grated parmesan cheese
  • The Archbishop of Canterbury
  • 2 cans Campbell's Chile Poblano soup
  • A 20 lb. sledgehammer
  • 8 medium potatoes, sliced
  • 1 liter Everclear grain alcohol
  • 3 cups bong water
  • 10 gallons ice cream (flavor optional)
  • 1 chloroform-soaked cloth (optional)
  • 1 shotgun

Shackle the child in the basement and force feed it the ice cream over the course of three or four days. Helpful tip: keep the leads on the shackles long and let the child move around a bit. Tougher meat means tastier soup!

When you run out of ice cream, the child is ready for the pot. While the chloroform-soaked cloth *is* optional, it often helps first-timers with the next step; using the sledgehammer. In any case, it's best to get it over with in one swing, or the screaming gets very irritating.

Bring the bong water and Everclear to a rolling boil and toss in the baby, turnips, potatoes, and chile poblano soup. Allow to simmer while you go out and stalk the Archbishop of Canterbury, waiting for the perfect moment to use the shotgun. When I shoot the Archbishop of Canterbury, I always try to get off a clean, fairly close-range shot. Remember, these are *people* we're cooking, so we should be humane about it. Just aim right between his eyes and squeeze the trigger slowly.

Once you've shot the Archbishop of Canterbury, take his shoes and discard the rest. Anyone who's ever gotten a bad dish of Archbishop for dinner will understand why. I suppose I could have just asked for his shoes, but I like to make my time in the kitchen an adventure. If it takes you as long to get to the Archbishop as it takes me, by the time you return, the mixture in the pot should have a brownish-green color and a thick, lumpy consistency. Simply add the shoes and boil for another 3-6 hours. If you run out of liquid, add some more water, and maybe some beef broth if you're into that sort of thing (frankly, I find the idea of eating animals appalling).

Allow to cool for a few minutes and then sprinkle the parmesan cheese on top. Call all you friends - it's baby soup just like Mom used to make!

Makes 3-5 servings.

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Last modified: August 19 2018 14:51:55